Today has me thinking about being on disability. It is a mixed blessing. I am thankful to have a steady income to help support myself and my family, but the feelings associated are rough. I often feel like I am missing out on what my life was “supposed ” to be. I spent many many long years in college, often taking just one class at a time. I thought I would never give up. I did. Though now I don’t see it as giving up, it still hurts. People assume they know me, I’m just one of those lazy people who live off the government. So much of our self worth is related to our career and what we’ve accomplished professionally. When I think about where I should be, it just tears me up, wishing I had lived up to expectations. Sitting home everyday sucks, being in pain and exhausted all the time sucks. Making barely enough to get by when I should have a comfortable life by now sucks. I am not on disability because it’s the easy way out, this was the only option left for me.
Well, I’ve been taking my meds somewhat regularly for a couple weeks now, I feel better! I’m not sure why that is such a surprise, of course I’m going to feel better when I’m getting more accomplished. I did tweak my back the other day, too much energy, over cleaning and bam! It’s all about balance and finding that sweet spot.
I have started back on my Narcolepsy meds. I really haven’t been taking anything consistently for a looong time. I started a 10mg adderall a couple weeks ago in the morning. Morning for me can be anywhere between 8-12. I do try and take that first dose before ten, that means by noon I’ll for sure be alert and out of bed. It’s been going well and I will add a second dose in the early afternoon in the next couple of days. I recently got my epidural injection and thought my back would be feeling better than it is. I’m thinking the added pain could be the extra activity my body is getting just by being awake more. Always lots of stretching to keep me limber and moving.
I know that taking care of myself as a whole is important, juggling all of the balls of my ailments is hard, but I’m determined.
One of the craziest things about narcolepsy is that I can be so exhausted all day, but up all night! I haven’t been taking any daytime meds, but have been out of Benadryl for a couple days. I actually just drove up to the gas station to get some because I can’t stay up all night like the last couple of nights without it. I’ve used benadryl for years, it gets me drowsy enough to nod off, works better than any prescription meds I’ve tried. I have an appointment with a sleep doctor Friday, I haven’t been in years.. So I’m sure they’re going to want to play around with meds. Well, I’m game.
Here’s to some sleep soon.
Here I come, I wanna write, what better place to start!?
Why do I have even more trouble with my schedule in the cold? It seems for a couple of weeks now, I have been up all night and sleep all day. If I want it to be opposite, meds are definitly involved. I only take my adderall if I get it before 11, and still my regular 2 benadryl does not always work. Not sure if this is related to the cold, possibly seasonal affective disorder? Whatever, I want to move someplace warm!
Yes, some may say I am lazy, I prefer something along the lines of “waking challenged” This of course is only a problem in the morning. Unless I take A LOT of medication, I just want to sleep! My normal morning is getting up at 8 to drive son to school, back home to take 20-30mg of adderall and watch TV while fighting (or not) to stay awake. At least in the morning my little one seems to be a little sluggish which is a blessing to me! Unless it is Sunday, my sleep day. Now, I love to sleep, but I do feel as if I’ve missed something when I sleep until 5pm. Ron will let me sleep all day, because of course I don’t get up to take my meds, so I’m out. Maybe this feeling of missing something is an idea that is pounded into our heads at a young age. My dad still tells me I am sleeping my life away, my first reaction to that is a peaceful feeling of yes, than I turn to that guilt of having “missed” something. How can I really be missing anything when I am having such a great time asleep? I am starting to notice though that these long sleep sessions tend to get more emotionally disturbing the longer they get. This past Sunday for example, I got up around noon to go to the bathroom, went back to bed till 5pm. In these last hours of sleeping is when the dreams start to go down the unhappy route. This is usually the reason I wish I hadn’t slept so long, otherwise I’d be good! Well, fellow Narcoleptic’s, my attention is waning, as I’m sure is your’s…..